30 April 2007

I was feeling troubled this days.
Something just cant sort out in my mind.
The stress of emo-ing too much.

I hate it but i cant help it.
Suddenly feel so empty again.
Suddenly feel so alone again.

What a problem i have..sian.

www.wayniho10.blogspot.com
press the link above to know me more.
only if you cares. 24 April 2007

Reflection on my life

I am the biggest grandchildren both on my father's and mother's side. Being pampered since small, got most of the things i wants. Both my parents were good to me, get me whatever i wanted. Every years they would celebrate my birthday, but that fade as time go by.

Primary school. I would say the period that shown my brightest side of my brain and my darkest period of my childhood. Although i always the quiet one in class but my grade were not bad. I would always be the one solve maths question in front of the class. My darkest period is the time i stay at my aunt's place(not the one i staying with now). My brother and I got to stay there because my father went heavily in debt because of heavy gambling. They put us at my aunt's place as they need to 'play-n-seek' with their creditors. I would have to help out with their shop when i staying with them. Lack of sleep, Working and Studying. I seriously have no fun during that period of time. I cant even watch a TV show, play PlayStation or watch my cousin play game. I remember i also being caned by my aunt a lot of times back then, forced to eat food that i dun like. My mum fetch us home after my father's debt stabilise and knowing our life at my aunt's place.

My secondary school life was normal. I gotta a lot of freedom after i went back my own home. This result me to be demoted to normal acad after first years of secondary education. My best and saddest period of my life are my secondary school days in normal acad. I got my best buddies here when we share thick and thin together. We never hand in homework together, defy teachers together, play soccer/basketball everyday together and other things together.
Nobody can break us apart, unless some of them have girlfriends. I the only one among them still does not have a girlfriend before. I wondering if i ever would have one? My secondary school life also are the saddest as the heartbreak i have suffered. I like the person for 3 years, didnt confess to her and take any action. She somehow notice it and start the long period of avoiding. Althougt we being classmates for 4 years, both of us is like a stranger to each other.
I will be smiling the whole day if she talk to me. I or shld i say we came to know it long ago that she does not have any feeling for me via her friends and herself. I got to saw it on msn when she talking to my friends. Sound silly but i always hope for the best and try to think the positive side which now left a deep hurt and a deep fear of girls.Anyways, I still had to thank her alot. I got the chance to knoe God and come to church via her.

Church life is fun!! Enjoy the presence of God and got to know alot of friends. I got some realli good friends that can share my problem with, people like Ben and Zhenguo. Sorry to trouble your lately. I being under two great cellgroup leaders althougt i have misunderstanding with one of them. Thank Wenshan and Stephen for your great leadership!!

My life in poly suck!! Your should know the reasons and i do not mention much. I gald i meet friend like agdoron. He really is a good friends expect sometimes he goes overboard without thinking what others people feel.

That my life so far...
How far can i go? I dun know
How would my life be like? I dun know
What I will be in the future? I dun know

Your would know more about me if your read this post.
But i wouldnt think anybody would read.

Still the cowardly me.
I fear of facing the true.

~end~ 22 April 2007

I feel much better now.
Being listen to some songs lately...
Addicted to it cuz somehow it can describe me very well.

I love listen to songs.
Especially some songs' lyric were so powerful that it touch ur heart.
Lyric that can describe what u feel and in now.
What u feel like doing yet u dun dare.
Songs are so powerful that u can feel sad/emo, encourage or stir your energy up.

I like the song 'Qi Shi Hai Ai Ni' by Ah qing now...
it really can describe my feeling somehow and i can connect to it very well.
But please and please hor, dun misunderstood it.
If you know what i meant, cuz the song translate to eng is 'I still love you'
I didnt mean the person your thinking about...
Only those know me well will understand. =D
Right Ben?


其实还爱你 - 阿沁

我讨厌阴天的风
冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱
你不想失去
你难道我没有权利
说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你 19 April 2007

Decided to continuing blogging.
Surely people will up against me..
"U the one who say dun wanna blog but still blog. No a man of ur promises."

But ya..this is my life.
I do what i want to do and what God wants me to do yeh...

Really gt alot of problems during this period of time.
No have the energy to argue or to insult anyone.
Thank nameless.
I know what you trying to say but it would not help for me.
For your tag i would only think to 3 person close to me who will write this.
It is either Darius, Jerry or Stephen.( if you know what my thinking is.) it just wild guesses.
But anyways, God bless you. =D

Thank khoo fang and kaixun too...
At least i realise people still cares about me.
Which sometime i fail to do it myself.
And Khoo fang...that impossible is nothing is just a slogan from adidas.
I still do not think i can make the impossible happened expect...
the first one from ur to be dismissed.
That impossible right? but i did it.
haiz...

Really very very tired of everything.
Especially this one things tt i still cant figure it out.
No courage to face it.
Is it real or is this just a dream?
The mixed feeling that i hardly experience...
Fear, Hurt and others coming in and confused my mind.
Am i in a right state of mind?
A problem i dun dare to put it down or exposed.
A problem hardly people know expect close friends

Tired..

What you see maybe is not what you know...
I finally understand why do grown-up keep things to themselves.
Pride it may be...
But they do not want others to worry about their problem.
I also feel the same, only to stress some out in my blog.

Sorry for all the emo post i post.
I needa stress out...
to let the happy-go-lucky tianlong out in front of your.

end...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From myself:
You still a coward...chua tian long.
We always joke about jackie being the coward but u are the real coward man...
How many times u fail to say or admit it liao.

To myself:
Cannot ah...almost impossible lei.
I dun wanna spolit it and it is almost impossible tt i am the lucky one.
You know ah...i play anythink oso lose de.
% of we to win a game is only 1 nia..

From myself:
wao lao lei...
Dun tell me u didnt win last emerge winning eleven challenge.
Dun tell me u the only one nv tio forfeit when 5 of us play games while drink vodka.

To myself:
Ya lah...
tt stupid vodka. if i nv go mean serect would not be split and exposed.
After telling other i become more and more scare sia...

From myself:
Wao lao lei...
i also dunno what to say u liao ah.
Where is ur courage? 16 April 2007

School starting today...but not for me.
sad to say, but i belong no where and this feeling sux.

After the whole event happened, my world just turn upside-down.
Family bias against me,
Brother and sister take advantage of me,
Friends look down on me.
What a sad life i have!!!

Just look at this blog,
so deserted !!!
Nobody tagged,
Nobody view.
I just writing for my own leisure.
It just mean that nobody cares about me.
Nobody wants to take time off reading my boring blog.
Nobody cares about a Loser who did nth right in his life.
Even a retard wouldnt care this blog of my.

I hate this feeling.
I hate my life.
It sux to the core !!!!
What a coward I am !!
What a loser I am !!!
Only failure and unsuccessful befall on me !!!

Never did a thing right in my life before.
Being forever so dumb, so stupid in my life.
Nobody likes me !!!
even i do not likes myself.
Only know how to brag...
but never have any action right !!

Lousy in study,
Lousy in games,
Lousy in soccer,
Lousy in attitude,
Lousy in friendship,
Lousy in relationship,
Lousy in love.

You are just a loser, CHUA TIAN LONG.
You deserved it !!!
You will never make it anywhere.
You do not even dare to make the first move.
YOU ARE SUCH A COWARD !!!!
YOU ARE SO UGLY!!!
Both inside and outside.
That why no people likes you.
LOSER!!!
YOU'RE A LOSER!!!
YOU DISGRACE EVERYBODY THAT KNOW YOU!!!
YOU'RE AN DISGRACE TO YOUR FAMILY!!!

My last entry,
since nobody likes me.

chua tian long. 8 April 2007

I had a sleepless night.
Being thinking alot after so many things happened.
Scold alot of vulgarities when i saw flashes of BE director on my mind.
Quite emo this few days, i think i just need time for myself to clear my mind.
Easter Drama has been great!!!
What shock my most is that i saw marklin in the play,
Which mean i could have been in it if i join.
Wasted!!!

I feel that my confidence is getting lower, althougt i does not show it..
So is my self-esteem.
I do not dare to speak to the person eyes to eyes anymore..
Scare that sending the wrong msg would kill !!
Afraid that rumour would spread and distance between us draw further..
I do want to experience that again.
Really had a bad experience after that...
And that really hurt!!

Confused. 6 April 2007

I being you tubing this few days.
I watch all the programme that have s.h.e in it.
Hebe damn chio loh..how i wish a gf like that. LOL!!!!

She is that sort of person quiet quiet one but can suddenly break everyone into laughter.
And her eyes can attract people ah...that what i like the most.
But on the other side, if a she or someone similar to her was my gf...somewhat i surely have low self-esteem.
Standing beside a girl so pretty, sure got alot of suitors and you surely will think if you are compatible to her.

Getting emo this days...start to think alot of things again.
Ocean so wide and i am so tiny.
Sky is so high and i cannot even reach it.
Forest so big and i cant even have one tree.
What people achived yet i have none.

Something really think that 'AM I A FAILURE!'
Where is my destiny?
Am i on the right path?
Why eveything just didnt got into my ways?
Am i irritating, so terrible that people trying to avoid me?
Why everytime i am the odd one out?
What is wrong with me?

All this things make me very shag.
Shag in term of tired, sick of it.

I dont think alot of people reading my blog.
Maybe i should closed it down to end all misery for you people.
Stop all the crap i toking to your...your dun care anyways

*In emo world* 5 April 2007

Chalet was fun!!!
We did alot of stupid things together, had lots of fun down there.
I saw a car drift in front of me, cycle overnite till my butt pain, first time eat breakfast for 3 times (all macdonald), play mahjong so loudly just to wake other up for us to sleep.

The stupid things i done is to set the laptop password.
I remember losing tt game to gerome and jackie.
I start to got angry because gerome always get all the good players with him..so i set the password on my laptop so that others cannot use it.
The password i put is 'cb' which is a vuglar lah coz i damn angry at tt moment.
I let js use the laptop awhile later so he was asking me for the password and he was shock to heard wad i say first.
I then tell him the password is 'cb' and everybody start scolding me 'f*** lah, what stupid password is this.'

memorable chalet i had. April's Fool Day.

Didnt gt the chance to fool anyone or people to fool.
Read a post tt i think worth a try...by chance read rainie's blog (yang chen lin), quite a meaningful one especially for coward people like me.

The post is about that she testing what the person she liked feeling during april's fool day..so even she being rejected, she still have a backpass to round up her emberessment by saying 'April's Fool'

Nice tactic right? I dun even think of it.
Tomorrow going chalet...finally c8 reunion le.
So happy,excited...heard tt they will play water-bomb and i only bring 2 sets of clothing.